In rememberance

Warning, this blog post is going to be something completely real and from my heart.  It may be a little difficult for me to write and/or read.  This coming week two years ago my mother passed away on Feb. 18 2010. I am filled with peace that she is resting in heaven right now, but I also was left with many questions on my heart. I was very sad at my mothers passing because I felt she never fully enjoyed her life. Some reasons why she never enjoyed it have been revealed to me, but others haven't and I believe it really isn't something I am supposed to know anyway. At the time she passed away my daughter wasn't even one year old yet.  I was going through so many changes in my life with being a first time mother and I had stopped teaching orchestra at an amazing school (I was basically working a dream job).  I had a desire to teach orchestra since I was in junior high and I was living it, and in my opinion I was successful at it.  Then I became a mom.  No one taught me how to be a mom.  I didn't have a degree in being a mom. And to tell the truth I didn't feel like I could look back at my own childhood for any examples.  For me living in a family where love flows freely was foreign.  I had basically dived into this whole mom thing, although I did put it off for 8 years after marrying.  But here is my opinion, you can put something off forever and all you're ever going to get out of that is a cemented lack of confidence. If you aren't sure about something, go for it and overcome it, otherwise putting it off and putting it off will only make it even harder when you eventually if ever go for it.  Just my two cents on that. Back to what I was saying, when I first became a mom I felt very depressed.  I didn't think I was any good at it and all my good friends at the time weren't parents yet so I felt very alone.  My husband must of thought I was crazy.  I went through comparing myself to every other mom that walked by, and in my book I never measured up. God was working on my heart at this point to grow in God confidence.  It is not anything I did or didn't do as a mom, but my intentions are always to me the best mom I can be. I am not going to be a mom the way other moms I was looking at were because my sets of passions and heart talents were different.  I had to get out of comparison. And now two years later am I out of it? To be honest not completely, BUT I am way better at recognizing when I get into it and calling it sin and repenting than I was before. There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus and I know this in my heart.  This is the only thing that can fill me up everyday as a mom, the love God has for me.  Moms are always giving and you get to that point sometimes when you ask can I have someone to act as my mom? God has always been faithful to show his love to me when I seek him.  It says in the word if you seek him you will find him.  I have never been able to find any part of the word of God that wasn't such a simple and powerful truth.  This is why God's word is so important to me, it is life changing and it is real.  I pray daily that my life will be a reflection of how his children are to live on earth.

Back to the subject of my mom, my mom had been sick with cancer since I was in junior high so this was a very long time and the holy spirit had revealed to me when the time was nearing of her passing. This I am very thankful for. I was able to see her just a few days before she passed away and she was so peaceful about the whole thing. I will always remember her fight to live yet her peace in death. I remember her talking to me when I saw her a few days before her death about enjoying all the fun times coming up with my daughter.  We hadn't talked much about how many kids I wanted but she also mentioned how she was sure I would probably have more kids soon as well. Well she was right as I got pregnant right away after deciding not to prevent it in May of 2010.  Being my second pregnancy I was really excited to enjoy it more fully and not be so anxious about all those unknown things you have the first time. Thankfully my pregnancies have never had any complications except for with Abbie my iron was low. I did have a little more morning sickness with Timmy in the first trimester but nothing horrible. Now that Timmy is a year old I can honestly say life has flown by since his birth. Adjusting to life with two kids was a little challenge just because I am such a one on one person and I now hardly had any one on one time with each child, and the lack of sleep was way more challenging, BUT overall not a difficult life change like adjusting to life with one child was for me. I know everyone is different on this, this is just my story. My mom never got to know I was pregnant with Timmy or ever meet him, but I believe she will in heaven. My mom knew I was going to have more and it makes me smile to think how happy she would be that I have two beautiful children. When I was younger I had held a lot of resentment toward my mom and I was very thankful that I was able to work that out with her before her death. One of the biggest lessons God has taught me is that people don't intentionally try to hurt you, they are usually doing their best but don't know what or how to change what they are doing that hurts.  Hurt doesn't come from God and when we take our hurts to God he heals them and shows us how to heal our relationships. Thank you God for the wisdom you have given me, I pray I continue to grow more and more in wisdom because wisdom. As I write this out I can feel my mom smiling down on me.  As I reflect on what my mom told me to enjoy the time with my daughter I realize that was my inner struggle all along.  I didn't know how to enjoy her because I was consumed with not being a perfect mom.  Morale of the story, don't let your self doubts rob you of your life.  Jesus has overcome all our insufficiency, God let my heart sink this truth in more and more each day! I don't want to give the enemy any more power and I will chose to resist the thought that I am insufficient and I will replace it with enjoying each moment as it is because by the grace of God I am sufficient. As hard as it was to loose her, I am happy she isn't suffering any longer.  Mom you will always be in my heart and I thank you for all you did for me!